Curtains Up on Transformers: The Last Knight

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It seems like the money men behind Transformers: The Last Knight gave 250 million dollars to a ten year old with a sugar fetish.

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This is not a movie. This is a commercial. A two and a half hour commercial to sell toys and video games. As a piece of pop marketing — it is brilliant. I expect children and pre-teens to salivate. As a narrative film, this is a mess. It begins in medieval times, incorporating the Transformers into the Arthurian Legend and then winds up in 1940’s Germany, placing the metal aliens in World War Two. By the time we get to Mark Wahlberg and Anthony Hopkins slumming it, we’re too confused and exhausted to care.

The plot — there is no need to discuss because I literally forgot it the moment I left the cinema. It involves a magical staff, a vengeful alien queen and a ton of explosions. And if anyone cares about the Transformers leader, Optimus Prime, you’ll be disappointed, he’s in this for 20 minutes.

Now I’m no prude. I like junk. But logic means something. And so does good writing. The screenplay is awful. It’s full of jokes that never land. These films don’t need to be funny. Hearing the great Anthony Hopkins spew bad jokes made me want to throw away my copies of Remains of  the Day and Silence of the Lambs. 

Director Michael Bay says he’s done with this franchise.  I hope so.  I am actually a Bay fan. The Rock, Bad Boys, Pain and Gain and 13 Hours are good, well made movies. They’re not oscar winners but Bay knows that. He makes popcorn movies and I hope that he goes back to doing them without resulting in a 5 film franchise.

 

 

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